Top 5 Most Evilly Genius Marketing Secrets

Let me get one thing out of the way, I've decided that I will do an article probably every month, or even earlier if a great idea hits me, I DO need some time to formulate an article that is original, humorous, and won't get abusive comments about upsetting one topic or another. Yeah, formulating a comedy article without bashing other people IS an enduring task, so don't go thinking that I'm gone for good, even through there's been several idle points on this blog, especially due to my original focus on graphic design. So, without further ado, let's start one of possibly many to come, Top 5, and Top 10 lists.

1. New Coke

YES, New Coke is what was THOUGHT to be a big marketing failure. Those CEOs at Coke are geniuses to think up of a scheme this big, just look up "new coke conspiracy" and you'll find your case, but, If you're too lazy to go, or you're still reading my post, I'll give a sum up of it, basically, people were going crazy because all the Original Coke was gone and everyone hated the taste of New Coke, and people were making thousands, importing Original Coke, until, it was ALL gone. Yup, nothing left, and people went ballistic, acting like wild animals rallying, and at this point, Coke either had a case of geurilla marketing, or they saw an easy way out, and brought Original Coke back. BUT, now, it's noticeable that Coke changed their recipe from sugar, to corn syrup, to save money on Coke production. Smart Coke, smart, so very dashingly smart, Touche. And NOBODY noticed, because Coke was gone for so long! But, of course, Corn isn't kosher. So, take note that Kosher Coke is actually made original style, with real sugar!.

2. Touchstone Pictures

Yeah, one of the finest movie studios in the world, responsible for great epics such as Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Pretty Woman, Down and Out in Beverly Hills, Good Morning Vietnam, and Dead Poets Society just to name a few, is actually just a fake pseudonym banner for Disney to be more on the older film industry for adults!. Disney was richer than ever thanks to the sheer genius of the Touchstone banner, a children's based company could finally exploit different marketing strategies without getting busted, especially after the whole controversy with the 1983 film "Trenchcoat" one year before Disney unleashed Touchstone. The result? Some of the most successful films of Disney history (seriously, these movies all grossed 100,000,000+ dollars on budgets less then 35 million!). However, even when Disney seemed to be in a tight situation, it never plummeted, why, you ask? Because, Disney had enough loose change and pocket money to buy big-name brands like Marvel and Studio Ghibli rights without even losing a significant amount of money. Pure genius.

3. The Keebler Company

Yes, the memorable elves from the Hollow Tree Factory had a few tricks up their sleeves. Keebler actually produced more products than you think, in fact, Keebler is the parent company of Sunshine Biscuits, the good people who make Cheez-Its. Yet, suspiciously, the brand name never changed, while Keebler pretended that it was a completely different company, that manufactured products like Famous Amos Cookies, which are marketed under the parent of a parent company, Kelloggs. Keebler is incredibly sly with their secretive marketing. Who knew that those elves were so smart? But still, the fact that elves own a smaller company makes me think that Sunshine Biscuits is ran by the Smurfs. Seriously, a pack of tree-factory-working elves are the big bosses of another company. AWKWARD.

4. Hershey's

You bet Hershey's has a scandal!. As I've observed, frankly, most major and beloved companies do. However, Hershey's made a swift decision that was similar to New Coke's possible "plan" but ended up being more realistic. Basically, Hershey's replaced the expensive cocoa butter to various substitutive oils of artificial origin. Yup, Hershey's actually made their chocolate even more sugary and unhealthy, and we still have kids going to Fat Camp, because?... Yeah, basically, Hershey's is in for some trouble getting support from the fans. Even though Hershey's was just putting their money where it matters.

5. PepsiCo

Finally, we come to our last evil marketing secret, now, before I start this one, I wanna just clear the way, that, yes, there is an honorable mention, and that's how Mars Inc. (the good people responsible for M&Ms and 3 Musketeers) manufactures dog and cat food. I know crazy!. And, I'd also like to mention that my christmas article will be coming out a few days before Christmas, probably like December 22.

Okay, besides that, let us get back to the article, shall we? So, anyways, all those respective logos belong to PepsiCo. Believe it or not, PepsiCo owns more than its fair share of brands, Aquafina, Tropicana, QUAKER, Gatorade, SoBe, Mountain Dew, Sierra Mist, AND 7Up! And most importantly PepsiCo owns FRITO-LAY, our beloved snack company!. PepsiCo has even partnered up with big names in buisness, like Starbucks, Lipton (the tea guys, in case you didn't know) and even Ben & Jerry's. That's a lot to take in, but indeed, these brands are all under rulership of the biggest team player in the market, Pepsi. Those CEOs know how to negotiate for sure! They could even convince me to buy and actual domain name for my site! (Okay, I'm a pretty tough cookie to crack for paying actual cash for a plan, but still...) Kudos to you, PepsiCo, kudos to you.

And that just about wraps it up! Hope you enjoyed, and I am an ENTIRE month overdue for this, so hopefully you guys will forgive me right? :P And keep close watch for my Christmas article coming soon! (In fact, check the bottom of my site for a little Santa sleigh with a custom message, I know, Awesome).

The Not-So-Social Network

I die a little on the inside when people rave, about all the toad-load of friends they have on Facebook, and how great Facebook is, and how Twitter is so retarded. Well, take a hint will you: SHUT THE HELL UP!!!. NOBODY CARES AT ALL. All you're doing is just showing how much of an idiot you people are. I swear, if I hear one more person raving about Facebook, I will tear their heart right out of there living body, I'm not joking. Before I become a homicidal maniac, let me explain my Nerd Rage. I have Twitter. You think I'm blowing a short fuse for nothing, huh? No. I'm not like that. I'm ticked off, because, of the general stupidity of social networking sites.

"I swear, if I hear one more person raving about Facebook, I will tear their heart right out of there living body"

If you wanna strike a conversation with your friends, then what's the problem with meeting up with them, or perhaps using a telephone? Even Skype would work. What's that? Phone's are lousy and cheap? EVERYONE has Facebook? Yeah right. Do the math. Only 500 Million+ people have Facebook, last I checked the world population was 6,875,700,000. Sorry Facebook, you only have a measly fraction of the world population, meanwhile, cellphone subscriptions are almost, (maybe ever more!) 5 billion. Which is 5/6 of the world population, if you can't figure it out. And, with international calling rates as low as 2 cents a minute, why in the world would you need a social network to use, Facebook, Myspace, Foursquare, whatever you use, it's just a total waste. The only exception, is Classmates, and Flickr. Because, you can find your old classmates, and sometimes your family might want to see your pics. Also, Skype has approximately 443 million+ accounts. That may sound significantly smaller, but theoretically, and in reality, the convenience of a Skype account is double that of a Facebook account, as it contains video talk, IM-esque chats, and sending files to other users. Another thing to take into note, is that the amount of telephones in the U.S. is double that of the amount of residents in the U.S. making it certain, that, EVERYONE in the USA has at least 1 telephone in their household.

" C'mon! Don't be cheap! With rates these low, why would you need a Facebook account?"

The real fact-of-the-matter is that if you really think deeply about it, Facebook is just several popular services thrown into a blender, and became popular, for instance, the Chat option was a total rip-off of Gmail's chat system. The Wall, is a total rip-off of Twitter (my network). The Photo Albums is a rip-off of Flickr. The videos are a rip-off of Youtube. The Discussions is a rip-off of forum threads. And, the profile system is a rip-off of Myspace. Look at all that. The only true originality to Facebook is it's apps, which can easily be found on an iPod Touch and a Flash site. Facebook in general, is just for stalking your exes, bugging your friends, remember your co-worker's birthdays, and challenge your friends to Scrabulous. As for Twitter, you ask? Well, I use Twitter to express myself, Facebook is just an overgrown giant. Overall point: Social Networking= Stupid. Now we're clear.

"A Facebook conversation in all of its glory." (NOTE: This is a conversation I made myself, I did NOT in any way jeopardize a real conversation of Facebook of any sort!)

The Pet Adoption Process

Something that's a huge pet peeve of mine, ("oh wow, what a cheesy reference to the title!") is the Pet Adoption Process. Everyone says "Adopt. Don't shop!" Well you know what?! I'll shop, if I want a cat, that's none of your business to decide for me. My problem with adoption, is that although it's the healthier, orthodox way, it's annoying and takes forever and forever and a half get a pet. I had to wait for two weeks, in anticipation, just to find out I was rejected by the agency.

I couldn't believe it! They make you do some bogus questions you don't want to answer (address, email, phone, friends, why don't you just ask for the house key so you can rob me?) and reject you. I swear, if I find my house broken down and robbed, I will report you to the cops. You HEAR?! You hear adopting agency?!. People who buy from newspapers or Craigslist are always lucky, they pay only $100 bucks tops, and they get their furry companion instantly.

What's left? Oh yeah, the actual pet shop. The pet shop, where angry complainers and PETA members go to rally. Also, one thing, vegans are always trying to prove themselves better than other people, but I'll get into that narrative another time. Shifting back, I have to say that the pet shop is not only evil, but expensive too. $750 for cats? Forget it, I can just go in a back alley and find some myself, if a kidnapper doesn't happen to hang out there. Also, once, two cats at a pet shop I was looking at started clawing and bumping my head. These cats were either too energetic, too playful, plain old mean, or just mentally challenged, or they're issuing an escape plan. Whatever it was, I didn't notice first because I was talking to the manager. But, I swear the 4th or 5th time, my head started throbbing and I see these evil demons (or innocent escapers) clawing at my head. If anything bad happened to me, I'd be bringing in a load of cash from my lawsuit towards the pet shop. That could have worked out nicely, though.

So, what does this leave me with? Well now I have to scour the internet shamelessly trying to find a cute kitten someone's selling for a decent price. What a tedious task. Seriously, the adoption process is sometimes absolutely ridiculous. Am I adopting a child or a companion? Because, the complications in this application sheet definitely suggests that. Well, that leaves off with Craigslist. And, of course maneuvering through Craigslist requires a map and a Dummies Guide so you don't get helplessly lost in the endless pitfall known simply as Craigslist. Lethal. But simple.

All that I'm left with now is eBay Classified and Petfinder. This sucks. And, the sole opposing option is, breeders. Breeders are worse than adoption, Craigslist, and pet shops combined. Breeders take forever to put litters up for adoption, and this is no exaggeration. It takes them like 2 seasons to breed a litter, unless they're using puppy mills, which makes them cruel people. And second, breeders are even more nitpick-y and decisive than the adoption agency. Those gosh darn breeders. They breed animals for a living. That's one of the weirdest job descriptions ever: have animals make love and sell their babies for money. Again. WEIRD. Obviously, breeders only breed as a hobby, right? RIGHT?!! RIGHT???!!!. I need to rest. Well, Petfinder, and eBay Classified, I'll soon have a cat right?. But, if you excuse me now, I have to go look up some cats on the Internet.

Thanks For Reading This Article!!!

The Return Of The Hub Portal

It's like I've gone through a portal myself. I took a good 2-month hiatus. But now, I am back, and this place is gonna get updated every 1-4 weeks, now that I'm taking it in a new direction. That's right, this won't be the same Hub Portal anymore. Rather than focusing on making Photoshop, and Gimp related things, I'm going to do satirical writing every now and then to keep things flowing. I mean, come on, Maddox, Syd Lexia, and The Onion surely succeeded in being internet satirists, why don't I add to the too? So, without further ado, A new article will be bound to come out very soon. Keep checking frequently!.

Ads, Updates, Artwork, and More

This is probably a landmark post for this site. Let's start off in what you came here to see: Art. As you may have already noticed, at the moment, I'm expressing my artistic skill on making Photoshop created art, (that's pretty much donkey droppings compared to what people can make with the beast known as Photoshop) And, at the moment, I'm at amateur talent, after lots of experimenting, I'm confident that this site will be a thriving metropolis of art, made by hand, and computer. Right now, I'm making interesting stuff, but not at what I'm trying for. So, to compensate for me attempting professional stuff, I'll post some advertisements I was making for a site called: EarthBound Central, an awesome blog full of EarthBound related stuff. Anyways, I made two, one, I liked, and one, I thought sucked. I think you can guess which one. Anyways, the reason the white one sounds like an insult to the game, rather than a helping hand to EarthBound, is because, believe it or not, that was the game's campaign. I'm dead serious, Nintendo actually made a game campaign saying "This Game Stinks" Idiots. The white one was trying to capture that, but, uh, it turned out stupid and dull. And the red one was too big, and I couldn't scale it down, oh well. And the hot pink, and neon blue one? That's something I made for my own site. It's a 200x31 site button I made for linking my site to yours, neat huh? I momentarily posted it in the Links section, (on your right in the sidebar) but it's probably gone by the time you're reading this. So, here's the HTML code for it:

Basically, when editing your site layout, just copy and paste this in the HTML/Javascript section of your site, if you have one. Also, if you don't know what HTML is, you seriously need to catch up. As a side note to wrap this post up, I'm working on a Flash animation, but, it'll take a while to make it, so, I'm also going to try and make a fake comic book ad. (You know, the cheesy, gimmick-y, ads from old comics that were always fake.)

EDIT: I realize that the code was turned into an image, if you want it just leave a comment.

Awesome Face- Now With Pop-Art

Did you think this could be any more awesome? One of the most popular memes, teamed up with one of the most frequently used and admired art styles, that's just-- epic. And, I really managed it smoothly, (under time constrains and lack of time, that is) It's surprising that nobody has attempted this yet, so this is good news for me. Mine is a little bit amateur considering I'm not a Photoshop legend, but I did it fair enough, so if anyone wants to make their own attempt at making one of these beauties, just remember who inspired you :P Also, I added a © (copyright) mark for the original, for the sake of originality. So, yeah, my first somewhat-major project done! Now I just have to brainstorm another idea, relaxation here I come! (Just joking, I'm a work slave for you guys!).

Don't Take It Out!

While I haven't updated my blog in a hell of a long time, I'll publish another one of my writing works as some filler for the spare time I have to finish up the stuff I'm currently working on. So, to compensate, I'll give you the essay I wrote (I actually forgot which category of essay this falls into >.<) a few months earlier:

Don't Take It Out!

Have you ever had someone yell at you and even badgering you for no good reason? Well, I definitely have. Based on the relationship between Michael and his father in Carrots it can be said that their relationship is similar to relationships in real life. Mainly because in real life, people take their anger and stress out on other people. Like how in the story, Michael is yelled at by his father, because he was eating carrots incorrectly. When in actuality, Michael’s father had a rough day filled with stress to deal with at the office, so he accidently took it out on Michael for no apparent good reason whatsoever. When Michael did nothing wrong in the first place. This can also relate to my own life, as sometimes, my parents would yell at me for doing nothing wrong, and later, they shower me with hugs, and apologies, which also proves my thesis. Also, people have done this action during times of crisis, like in war, or after a bad day at work, or when people are just in a bad mood because they have to do something they loathe or don’t want to do etc. Proving that this usually happens when one person is pressured under a tough situation like Michael’s dad was, which also proves my thesis.

Have you ever seen this behavior happen in other texts? Well, I’ve seen it thousands of times in books. In other short stories like My Side Of The Story, the main character is almost bullied, by other character(s) in the story, like when Michael is yelled at by his father, or even when the other main character from My Side Of The Story gets yelled at by his father for almost waking up his mother. So, Michael’s relationship with his father is similar to relationships from many other books and characters. This mainly happens in most books because the relationship between characters is sometimes very rocky, considering when faced with a problem or situation can build up stress and angst, which is later taken out upon other characters in their respective stories. It’s generally used between characters to build up tension and suspense in the book, basically used as a literary device authors have overused. When, in general, it’s based upon real life, it isn’t honestly a good thing. Anger is a terrible thing, it’s even one of the Seven Sins. In the words of a wise philosopher: “Anger is like a deadly poison to the soul. The more it decreases, the more the soul’s positive magnetic force increases.” This generally gets to the point that based on the relationship between Michael and his father, in Carrots, it can be said that, their relationships are similar to actual relationships in real life.

Did you ever feel that some of the things that the armies of the nations had done was wrong or corrupt? Personally, I’ve felt that when thinking back on history. For armies, taking out their anger on each other is practically the main feeling of war, anger. But, there have been unnecessary wars, and assassinations, and such against other people/countries. Take for example, World War II, the Americans had bombed the Japanese for reasons remained to be unknown. Of course, later, that resulted in the fall of Pearl Harbor. Or, another example is how, the Americans had hunted down Sadam Housein, instead of going after Osama Bin Laden after the fall of the Twin Towers. Or, how about World War I? Well, WWI was really a completely messed up situation rather than a serious war like WWII. These events represent foolishness, but they also represent my thesis in a text-to-world connection, thus proving that Michael and his father’s relationship is similar to relationships in real life, with events like these and more, like the war with Iraq and America. So, based on the relationship between Michael and his father in Carrots, it can be said that their relationship is similar to relationships in real life.

Have you ever experienced this action yourself, whether you did it yourself or someone did it to you? For me, it’s a definite yes. I myself have experienced this a lot. Sometimes, my friends and family do this to me, even I may occasionally do it to them. For example my Mom can easily get irritated with me if I don’t follow the plans she had made for our weekends. Or I have seen my friends been angry at each other when they lose a game. Also I often get mad at my Mom when I have to cut the fun activities short for my bedtime. Apparently, taking your anger out on others is human nature, and even the most patient and kind person would snap at least once or twice, that’s why us human beings must tame our anger if we want to to perfect themselves. Generally, as I’ve said, anger is a terrible thing, but, it’s part of human nature’s ferocious side, making it an every day thing. As much as I try to be a good person, sometimes, when put in a certain problem, I would get really angry and snap at someone, although it rarely happens, it’s a daily, average thing that people do, as much as it is wrong. Warranting that based on the relationship between Michael and his father in Carrots, it can be said that, their relationship is similar to relationships in real life.

In conclusion, based on the relationships between Michael and his father, in Carrots, it can definitely be said that, their relationships are similar to actual relationships in real life. Mainly because, in real life, people would have lots of worries, and too much stress to deal with at work, or at home even. So, when other people get involved in that person’s affairs, they would end up getting yelled at, and possibly even insulted, because of no honestly good reason, other than being stressed out. Which then leads to sincere apologies from that person in the end. Apparently, this action has been used so much between fellow humans, that it’s used in daily life, almost every day. Like, how in the story, Michael got yelled at by his father for eating carrots improperly. The punishment was unnecessary, and was unfair, like in real life, when the other person gets yelled at for doing nothing wrong in the first place. Take for example, Michael, he wasn’t harming anyone by eating carrots the way he did. Finally, this can relate to my own life, as sometimes, my parents would yell at me for pestering them, or asking too many questions etc. And, later, I would get big apologies and big hugs also, proving my thesis one last time.

Hopefully you guys found this satisfying for the time being, now I'll get back to work!